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R Mag: What happens when your life is out of balance?
ML: When you feel out of balance, it's not because you haven't gotten it all done. It's because you're feeling disconnected from someone or something that is important to you. It can literally make people sick. And the only antidote to disconnection is connection. Connection creates balance, connection with ourselves, our God, our family.
R Mag: Many women say they like being busy, though they don't like feeling overwhelmed or spread too thin. What advice do you have for women who do a lot of juggling between a job—even if it's part-time—family and social or charitable obligations?
ML: I don't preach prioritizing. I believe in personal policies. According to Webster, a policy is wisdom in management. So personal policies can be developed the same way as company policies or store policies. There are certain limits. If you buy something in a store, the store has a return policy.
Women have a tendency to do everything, but if they have personal policies they can help their lives be more balanced. "You cook, I clean." That's a policy. People have policies about money. For instance, X limit shouldn't be spent without a conversation. It prevents us from having to say "no."
R Mag: So is balancing your life simply a matter of saying "no"?
ML: A personal policy is an easy way to say "no." Personal policies are also a way to say "yes." When my kids were teenagers, and they drove, my policy was, "I'll buy the car, pay for gas and insurance, but I won't participate if you ever drink and drive." I said "yes" to the car, gas, insurance, and "yes" to you can go out…they knew if they had been drinking and driving, the car would be sold in the morning.
Connecting with yourself and others
R Mag: Your advice to those you coach is, "when you can't keep up, connect." What do you mean by this?
ML: Instead of asking the old life-balance question, "what do I need to do," the new life-balance question is, "with whom should I connect?" Sometimes the answer is yourself. It may be you need to go to the doctor and get a bone density test. Or you need to go for a walk or go to the gym.
The answer to the question will come to you. Sometimes the answer is, "my husband." So you might say, "let's plan a weekend, so get your calendar out."
R Mag: Women often have a hard time saying "no" because others depend on them. How can women better choose what to drop from their "to-do list" without feeling guilty?
ML: One of my favorite quotes is "no is a complete sentence." It takes a little practice. Though as we age, our ability to say "yes" increases if we can also say "no."
R Mag: Is it mostly younger women balancing family and work who have these life-balance problems, or can it affect older women too?
ML: Everyone has life-balance issues. Young and old. People can feel disconnected because of the loss of a loved one, or because they may be taking care of their parents and worrying about kids and grandkids.
R Mag: How can we stay connected with ourselves?
ML: Ask yourself, "what am I passionate about?" That's an amazing way to stay connected with yourself. Do you want to adopt a grandchild or move to Paris? Ask yourself how much time you will need, and how much money?
Making personal policies
R Mag: Besides making personal policies, what's another strategy women can use to bring balance to their lives?
ML: I love pause rituals. They help us fall into a rhythm of renewal. Other cultures have pause rituals. The English have tea and scones in the afternoon, Germans have cake and coffee and our friends in Central and South America have a siesta. In North America, we don't really have a pause ritual.
You're not supposed to go 900 miles per hour when you open your eyes in the morning! The question women need to ask themselves is, "do I give myself permission to have a pause ritual?" And if so, what is it?
Your pause ritual could be once a day or once a week. Research shows people are more inclined to exercise, for example, when they have a ritual, such as "every Wednesday I go to the gym."
R Mag: That makes so much sense! Do you have more strategies like that?
ML: Yes. Make sure you embrace a sense of romance. When I talk about a sense of romance, people think in terms of partnership. That is a very delightful way to have a sense of romance. But you can embrace romance in other ways. Humans were designed to enjoy the finer things in life, like sunrises, sunsets, lakes, antiques, fine jewelry, a new outfit at 50% off. The goal is not to make ourselves miserable! I don't think you can have life balance if you're dreary.
R Mag: Your strategies all sound wonderful. But how does a woman get started?
ML: By using "micro action"—a step so much smaller than a full step that you don't resist it. Come up with a "micro action." I did this with the people I've worked with. One woman didn't want to exercise. So I told her when she got home from work, she should put her exercise clothes on. Later on, I asked her if she did, and she said "yes." Then I told her I want her to walk for one minute with her exercise clothes on. As it turned out, she was already walking more than that, because she said she felt silly dressing up with no place to go. So she had started walking on her own,
befriended another woman in the process and they had been walking together a couple of times a week.
The point is, get your toe into the river and see where the current can take you.
R Mag: What are some of the biggest barriers women face in bringing their life into balance?
ML: The biggest barrier is they do not give themselves credit for the good they do. They do 862 things well and they worry about the three that didn't get enough of their time or any at all. They measure themselves with the wrong yardstick. The measure of a good life is the connections we make. So why shouldn't we use that yardstick on a daily basis?
R Mag: We feel more in balance already! Thank you.
Reach out and connect with one of your girlfriends by sending one of our eCards. Or maybe take the time to connect with yourself with a few Sudoku puzzles."
Visit www.MaryLoVerde.com to learn more.
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